I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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