There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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