I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm bleeding and have questions
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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