grandma shit on top of the toilet
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
