I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize