All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
