Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think your dad took our porno
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
