she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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