my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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