I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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