10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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