??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I bet he comes in French.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
pray to the hookup gods
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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