It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
