I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
