His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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