never play flip cup with pint glasses
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I know her cup size but not her name....
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