The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
