We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize