??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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