my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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