You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
