Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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