Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
