update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
