Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
