I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
birth control should be required to get into college
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Your penis caused this!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
