I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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