mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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