I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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