I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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