Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
