Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
