I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
