we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
