Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
