theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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