Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
