i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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