It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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