i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
