god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
