I feel like I'm in dance class right now
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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