im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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