Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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