I cannot find my penis.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
