the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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