I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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