He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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