tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i think my cat just said my name.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
