so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
