Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ladies don't puke and tell
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
