I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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