i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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