My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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