On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize